All posts tagged family connection

Is your Family Fostering Multi-Generational Success 

financial based distribution are mentioned. The legal system engineers distributions not relationships.  And herein lays the problem.

Families build their unique cultures usually while nurturing individual achievement. And within this achievement lays the assumption that everyone will get along…just fine. Individual development does not mean common unity.

It Is a costly mistake to assume that individual development equates to unified purpose.  This is supported by the centuries old adages shirtsleeves to shirt sleeves in 3 generations, clogs to clogs in 3 generations, plow fields to plow fields in three generations.  

The exceptional family creates, builds, and sustains the family systems that keep families connected and unified for generations as well as developing strong individual members.

How is your family actively nurturing and fostering unity when it comes time to distribute the wealth?

by focusyourlifetips on March 20, 2024  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on March 20, 2024

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2024/03/20/is-your-family-fostering-multi-generational-success/

A Peek into Systems that Impact Families

Back in the 1940s, Carl Rogers introduced person-centered therapy, a radical departure from the rational emotive (rational versus irrational) model.  During this transformative era of the 1940s and 1950s, another psychologist opened the door to new therapies and approaches. His name was Murray Bowen.

Murray Bowen was a psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University in Washington D.C. In his groundbreaking work in family therapy, he developed a family systems theory, published in the 1960s, which is still in use today.

The Family Systems Theory is based on the family being an emotional unity with systems to conduct itself. There are 8 concepts which form the basis of his theory. I will give you a quick look at these 8 theories.

The first is:

1 Triangles-The triangle, as a concept, provides the stability that a two-sided element cannot. The triangle provides comfort, diffuses tension. It can create an imbalance in conflict when two sides partner up against the third side. This dynamic is prevalent in families.

2 Differentiation of Self– The less “self” we confidentally hold, the more influenced we can be.

3 Nuclear Family Emotional Process-These are patterns that are projected onto children and grandchildren.

4 Family Projection Process– This describes the primary way that parents transmît their emotional problems to their children.

5 Multigenerational Transmission Process-This concept refers to the patterns that move and morph through generations and their impact on the family culture. 

6 Emotional Cut off-How people manage their unresolved emotional issues with family members while reducing and cutting off emotional contact with family members Is the gist of this concept.  

7 Sibling Position- This theory speaks to the impact of sibling position or family members’ development and behavior on the family. 

8 Societal Emotional Process– This concept describes the emotional constructs governing entire societies.

How do these theories impact your family’s culture?

by focusyourlifetips on March 6, 2024  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on March 6, 2024

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2024/03/06/a-peek-into-systems-that-impact-families/

When It’s About Family Harmony, Which Way Do You Choose

How can you measure a family’s ability to stay connected for generations?  The simple answer is: by cohesion.  Okay, end of blog, right?  No, because we are going to look at the elements of cohesion.

Cohesion is defined as the ability to stick together.  Its origin is from Latin meaning to stick or cling to. With the right elements, cohesion can provide the glue that connects families for hundred of years. Families like Rockefeller, Blake, Rothschild, and Mogi are using elements of cohesion to keep their families united when the natural tendency for a family is to break apart or fade into irrelevance within two or three generations. 

Elements that form cohesion include:

  • A shared value system
  • A shared purpose
  • Understood standards
  • A structure of governance

When shared values are codified, people feel that they have a rallying point. 

When a family’s purpose is codified, people feel like are moving towards the same objective. 

When standards accompanied with governance are honored, the rules of play are known, members know what is expected of them. All these must rest on a foundation of empathy, understanding, inclusivity, and fairness. These take intentionality to nurture and develop.

Contrast this with wills that are disseminated and sometimes read, trusts that are administered often by outside parties who do not know the culture or dynamics of the family and can fray fragile relationships and destroy the family core. Which way do you choose?  It will matter to family harmony.  

by focusyourlifetips on December 14, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on December 14, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/12/14/when-its-about-family-harmony-which-way-do-you-choose/

What Path Will You Take

Resolving conflict, at home, can be so intricate.  Emotions run high, the ability to find clarity is difficult, the propensity to attack is tempting, the possibility of making a comment you could regret is lurking.  

Those in conflict have choices to make. Generally speaking, the choices come down to these four: I call them The F.A.C.E

F stands for Force. Someone takes control and dictates an opinion, a decision on others. There is no debate. Their voice stands as final, unyielding authority.  

A stands for Adopt. Someone abdicates, they give up. They declare truce with what is usually a false or temporary peace and adapt to the situation…for now.

C stands for Collaborate. All members decide to construct a resolution together. This can be a difficult road as it involves great listening, creative flexibility, and a lasting commitment to serving the bigger intention rather than one’s own agenda. 

E stands for Exit. Someone decides the conflict is not worth their effort. They leave.

In resolving conflict, the path of collaboration is the one that brings the most durable and sustainable outcome. The others work but only temporarily

Which persona do you adopt in conflict? How does it serve the big picture? With force, adopt, and exit, the path is personal, the path is individual based. With collaboration, the path includes everyone. You might find that the origin of the word collaborate is the act of working together.  This takes courage. This takes strength. This takes vulnerability. This takes compassionate understanding.

Next time you are in conflict, at home, consider this: Do you want to resolve conflict or dictate terms? It will make a difference in the outcome.

by focusyourlifetips on November 15, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on November 15, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/11/15/what-path-will-you-take/

2 Powerful Tips to End Hidden Agendas in Your Family

Families, when trust is withdrawn or broken, when a member or members feel a sense of isolation or exclusion, when an unspoken agenda is gaining momentum, can feel the erosion of family harmony.

Certainly, feigned agreement and seeming accord can be generated, but in the confines of one’s own existence, secrecy is an element in family dynamics.

What can be done when avoiding or confronting the “secret” has led to more isolation or to denial?

Two tips to consider when family trust needs restoring.

  1. Request a meeting to talk about your concern. Rather than coming to that meeting ready to explode or call out all the problems you see, all you have been victim to, or all that is being kept from you, instead, come to this meeting for the purpose of wanting to find clarity. This provides you with a meaningful forum to talk about your experience and your perspective in a framework of seeking understanding. Keep the topic focused without judgment or accusations leveled at others. Let people know how you feel and what it would mean to you, to gain clarity.
  2. Have a purpose with an intended outcome for the meeting. You, alone, cannot control the outcome. You can control the agenda, your point of view, and the opportunity for others to communicate their perspective, without interruption. Doing so, sets a stage for next steps.

Hidden agendas often protect individuals, but they do not serve the family, as a whole.

by focusyourlifetips on September 20, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on September 20, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/09/20/2-powerful-tips-to-end-hidden-agendas-in-your-family/

Find The Gems in Your Genes

I could not believe that a key to sustaining a legacy would be found in a book on genes. But there it was: “Evolution describes nature’s past-how did living things arise? Variation describes its present—why do they look like this now? And embryogenesis attempts to capture the future-how does a single cell create a living thing that will eventually acquire its particular form?” This opened my mind to a great understanding of not only how our legacies form but as impactfully, how they are sustained.

Researchers, scientists, and philosophers going back to Aristotle, back to Pythagoras and others, linked our traits to our genetic past. Whether it be the shape of the nose or eyes, whether it is a leaning towards finances, law, the arts or sports, links are found in threads to our genetic past. In my family, for example, without conversation, nudge, or pressure to do so, for the past five generations, the professions that are naturally gravitated to are law or finance. One generation is drawn to the law profession, the next to finance, the third back to law, the fourth finance, and again, without conscientiously thinking about it, the fifth generation has gravitated to law.  And again, like the generation skipping propensity I alluded to earlier, the same is true of sports and the arts. This genetic proclivity has been fostered without any pressure or conversation. As I have asked others about their genetic legacy, I was initially  surprised, and now expect to hear about similar traits, across generations in their families,  often  skipping a generation.  As one woman said to me: “My father and my son never  met but their striking similarity is not lost on me when I hear my son laugh. It  sounds just like my dad’s laughter. And their humor is the same.”    

One’s genetic legacy is an important element to understand and then to cultivate. Why? Because, if there is something fundamental that passes from generation to generation genetically, it should be recognized. Medicine is beginning to develop that mindset in “marking” genetic diseases.

The genes we receive from another are a fundamental part of who we are. When left untended, people thrive with great difficulty. When cultivated, our genetic makeup can become a pillar in and beacon to our lives.   

What is the makeup of your genes, also known as your legacy? What is the legacy in your family that deserves to be cultivated and passed on to future generations?

by focusyourlifetips on September 6, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on September 6, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/09/06/find-the-gems-in-your-genes/

Tips to Successful Money Nights at Home

At a recent Ivy League School alumnae dinner, the host asked the attendees, to indicate, by a show of hands, if they engaged in financial discussions, at home, with their children and/or grandchildren on a monthly or more frequent basis? Of the 100+ attendees, how many hands do you think went up?  3 raised their hands.

What does this point to? That few families have “money nights” at home. Perhaps It is time to start.

“How do we, as a family, teach money in a way that builds financial competence?” is a question I am asked, in different ways, a lot.

There is a troubling pattern with money at home. This pattern is passed from generation to generation and causes problems. We don’t talk about money at home. Whatever the reason for this, the end result is the same: we create financially disconnected future adults.

Who then will teach your kids about money? Will the schools? Although 17 states require a “course”, only 5 states require a single stand-alone semester in personal finance before graduation from high school. Understanding the role of money lives must start at home.

As you introduce “money nights” at home, consider these tips to build an experiential foundation of money stewardship.

  1. Encourage rather than criticize with problem solving financial games.   Encourage accountability and praise successes.
  2. Determine each family member’s purpose with their money, setting intentions and parameters around the 5 S.I.D.E.S. of Money© (Save. Invest, Donate, Earn, Spend)
  3. Be consistent in your behaviors, have regular check ins on their behaviors, and talk about money so your children become familiar with the concepts and topics around money.
  4. Be open to questions, mistakes, and ideas your children might have.

Money needs to become just another topic of conversation rather than an embroiled emotional and avoided topic of suspicion.

by focusyourlifetips on July 27, 2023  •  Permalink
Posted in Financial LIteracy
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on July 27, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/07/27/tips-to-successful-money-nights-at-home/

The Power of a Unified Purpose

Think old fashioned. Think sportswear. Think soy sauce.

It’s unusual to lead and transfer a family business from one generation to the next.

You may already know that about 30% of family businesses successfully transfer to the second generation, and less than 50% of those businesses make it to the third generation and beyond.

It’s a tough proposition, and even tougher when attention is not given to the systems and processes that keep family businesses and their families thriving. After all, distrust, miscommunication, and differing perspectives on the role of business in the family’s life, and the role of the family in the business’s life can wreak havoc on both the family business and the business of the family.

To succeed, a family business must define its purpose. Doing so provides a runway of directed communication built on a strong foundation for the family. A purpose driven business attracts those who are committed to furthering the goals and objectives of this purpose.

To succeed, a family business must foster strong, directed, and clear communication with the emphasis on letting voices be heard, inclusion, clarity, and topic, rather than personality driven conversations. Annual reporting and sharing family heritage in story form is key here, all focused on nurturing the purpose.  

To succeed, the family business must be able to separate the family from the business. Family time is focused on the family, business time is focused on business. Separate the two so you can create bridges of appropriate overlap between the two. These may take the form of family councils, annual retreats where family time is incorporated into the weekend business planning retreat.

The old-fashioned Vermont Country Store, whose focus is on nostalgic items, is in their third generation of family ownership. The sportswear company, Columbia Sportswear, is a third-generation sportswear and manufacturing company. Gert, the second-generation leader took it from near bankruptcy to a company where her grandson, Tim is now leading it to new successes. And if you have ever used Kikkoman soy sauce, you have used one of the Mogi family’s 16 generation strong products. Yes, 16 generations and thriving.

Successful family businesses understand that there are obstacles and tough challenges to be dealt with. That is an element they fold into their daily life because, when it comes down to it, they have a shared purpose they are fostering. And that’s what drives their success. 

Contact me to talk more about how I can guide you to keep your family and family business vibrant and purpose driven.

by focusyourlifetips on June 28, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on June 28, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/06/28/the-power-of-a-unified-purpose/

The Three Keys to Secure Family Longevity

When families decide to keep their family together for generations to come, there are 3 keys they use to keep things relevant, significant, and sustainable.

  1. Stories-these stories are ones that showcase the family’s principles and how they are used in environments of challenges and environments of success. These stories are both passed down from generations before and added to by current family members
  2. Framework of standards and expectations-legacy families have a system called a code, constitution, or mission to which the family is dedicated to uphold. They do so, not out of coercion or threat, but out of willingness and adherence to strengthening the values imbedded within their family system, to which they believe.
  3. Trust-with a trait that can be easily given and just as easily withdrawn, it is critical that trust be nurtured and fed. This is done by clear communication, an openness to engage in sensitive conversations, and the understanding that all are included without regret, secrets, or separation. 

Think about how you and your family can develop these if you want your family to still be connected to each other for generations to come.

by focusyourlifetips on March 22, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on March 22, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/03/22/the-three-keys-to-secure-family-longevity/

5 Crucial Tips for Success in Sensitive Family Topics

Often, it’s easier to keep things as they are than to ask questions. Often, it’s easier to not question procedure or request change in a family steeped in tradition.

It’s difficult and courageous to be the outlier who wants add to the family culture. Sometimes it is necessary for you to ask a question or two.

I have five tips for you who are in this role:

  1. Check in with yourself to the motive of your question. Is it to judge and force change or is it truly to ask a question to begin a conversation of understanding what is not now clearly understood. Do not muddle the two. That can cause confusion which can result in misunderstandings or mistrust.
  2. Know the intended outcome you seek. Is your intention to take control and make change. Is it to seek clarity? Is it to disrupt or seek revenge? Is it to add to what already exists? What is your intention?
  3. Request an opportunity to talk about what is on your mind. When you have the conversation scheduled, send an agenda with the proposed topic and intended outcome. As the request is made by you to convene a meeting, you are the host, you control the agenda.
  4. Stay on topic. Do not deviate, as tempting as it may be. Allow others the opportunity to communicate their perspective, without interruption or judgment.
  5. Listen. Others have their points of view and perspectives that are important to them just as you are to you. Understand that.

As you seek to influence or impact, you want to be sensitive to the existing framework. It is stronger than you.

by focusyourlifetips on March 9, 2023  •  Permalink
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Posted by focusyourlifetips on March 9, 2023

https://focusyourlifetip.wordpress.com/2023/03/09/5-crucial-tips-for-success-in-sensitive-family-topics/

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