How well-connected are you with your money

How well-connected are you with your money? It’s hard to accurately answer that question without looking at how you view money.

People often link their present financial behaviors to their upbringing and early experiences with money. For instance, if you were inclined to save money as a child, you will likely maintain that habit into adulthood. Conversely, if you spent freely during your childhood, you’re likely to perpetuate that tendency as you get older. Moreover, if money wasn’t openly discussed growing up, you may find it tough to discuss as an adult.

Our money stories are built from years of observing and experiencing money with our parents, grandparents, siblings, mentors, and teachers. For some people, unhealthy money behaviors take shape over time and impact their adult lives and habits. Let’s see how money has informed your life.

  1. Name one positive association you have with money.
  2. Name one negative association you have with money.

Which association is more dominant for you, the positive or the negative association with money? Determining this will help you understand your present attitude toward money and how it affects you today.

Our behaviors with money are nuanced by the internalization of childhood money observations and experiences, money tensions with our partner, and how we avoid or attend to our finances. We may have a determined purpose for money, or we may be overly concerned about money, accompanied by anxiety and the need to control others’ money as well as our own.

If money behaviors tear at the fabric of your family, contact me. With 25+ years of experience, I may be able to assist.

2 Exercises to Connect with your Money

How well-connected are you to your money? It’s hard to really answer that question without looking at how you view money.

It is common to associate current money behaviors with the experiences and observations of money that you grew up with. If you were a saver as a child, you are likely to be a saver as an adult. If you were a spender as a child, you are likely to continue that habit as an adult. If money wasn’t talked about much when you were growing up, money may still be a tough subject for you to talk about as an adult.

Our money stories are built from our years of observing and experiencing money with our parents, grandparents, siblings, mentors, and teachers. Over time, for some, unhealthy behaviors with money take shape and impact adult lives and habits. Let’s see how money has informed your life.

Name one positive association you have with money.

Name one negative association you have with money.

Which association is more dominant for you, the positive or the negative association with money? Determining this will help you understand your present attitude toward money and how it affects you today.

Our behaviors with money are nuanced by the internalization of childhood money observations and experiences, and of tensions about money with our partner and about how we avoid or attend to our finances. We may have a determined purpose about money, or we may be overly concerned about money, accompanied by anxiety and the need to control others’ money as well.

If money behaviors tear at the fabric of your family, contact me. With 25+ years of experience in family dynamics and money behaviors,I may be able to assist.

Is your Family Fostering Multi-Generational Success 

financial based distribution are mentioned. The legal system engineers distributions not relationships.  And herein lays the problem.

Families build their unique cultures usually while nurturing individual achievement. And within this achievement lays the assumption that everyone will get along…just fine. Individual development does not mean common unity.

It Is a costly mistake to assume that individual development equates to unified purpose.  This is supported by the centuries old adages shirtsleeves to shirt sleeves in 3 generations, clogs to clogs in 3 generations, plow fields to plow fields in three generations.  

The exceptional family creates, builds, and sustains the family systems that keep families connected and unified for generations as well as developing strong individual members.

How is your family actively nurturing and fostering unity when it comes time to distribute the wealth?

A Peek into Systems that Impact Families

Back in the 1940s, Carl Rogers introduced person-centered therapy, a radical departure from the rational emotive (rational versus irrational) model.  During this transformative era of the 1940s and 1950s, another psychologist opened the door to new therapies and approaches. His name was Murray Bowen.

Murray Bowen was a psychiatrist and professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University in Washington D.C. In his groundbreaking work in family therapy, he developed a family systems theory, published in the 1960s, which is still in use today.

The Family Systems Theory is based on the family being an emotional unity with systems to conduct itself. There are 8 concepts which form the basis of his theory. I will give you a quick look at these 8 theories.

The first is:

1 Triangles-The triangle, as a concept, provides the stability that a two-sided element cannot. The triangle provides comfort, diffuses tension. It can create an imbalance in conflict when two sides partner up against the third side. This dynamic is prevalent in families.

2 Differentiation of Self– The less “self” we confidentally hold, the more influenced we can be.

3 Nuclear Family Emotional Process-These are patterns that are projected onto children and grandchildren.

4 Family Projection Process– This describes the primary way that parents transmît their emotional problems to their children.

5 Multigenerational Transmission Process-This concept refers to the patterns that move and morph through generations and their impact on the family culture. 

6 Emotional Cut off-How people manage their unresolved emotional issues with family members while reducing and cutting off emotional contact with family members Is the gist of this concept.  

7 Sibling Position- This theory speaks to the impact of sibling position or family members’ development and behavior on the family. 

8 Societal Emotional Process– This concept describes the emotional constructs governing entire societies.

How do these theories impact your family’s culture?

Active Listening Builds Trust

   Live to Illuminate rather than to Manipulate

When communication matters, active listening matters. Your normal casual conversational style will not work. It will be ineffective. 

Active listening is hearing what the speaker said, rather than thinking about what you want to say next as the other one is still speaking.

Active listening requires shutting off the pre-dispositioned mind.

Active listening requires asking clarifying questions.

Active listening allows for the speaker to make their point before you make yours.

Active listening mandates not interrupting.

When you use active listening, you can build trust.  Enduring relationships depend on trust.

    

Build a Life with Purpose   

The purpose of life is a life with purpose: claim it, own it, experience it

Life isn’t easy. Because it is not easy, it is easier merely to drift, letting others direct us. This can be fine for a few, but most of us want to take charge of our lives in a meaningful and significant way. That is where purpose comes in.

What is purpose? The etymology informs us that purpose is aim or intention. That certainly helps. To find your aim, the first place to find guidance is from your strengths and values for they are your greatest internal allies in life, meant to guide you forward with integrity.

Break from the behaviors of the drift and, instead, examine what is truly important to you. When you live with the standards of what is truly important to you, you live with purpose. Now that’s a life well lived!

Who Does the Executor Serve

There are times when a trust is part of the estate plan. Rather than go into experiences I have had with trusts themselves, I will share something I have found in the trusts, something that can benefit from careful consideration.

Who does an executor benefit-the initial beneficiary or the ultimate beneficiaries who might not share the same financial concerns as the primary beneficiary. For example, the deceased may have left instructions to provide income to the initial beneficiary without specificity. Further, the documents may direct that the remaining capital be distributed to the remaining beneficiaries after the primary beneficiary’s death. Who does the executor benefit, without conflict?

When you have a trust document naming a primary beneficiary and then, adding subsequent beneficiaries, I think it is vital for the trust grantor to add a description to their ultimate intention. Once they have passed away, the deceased can’t add to the conversation about what they “really” wanted.  Their voice is now expressed by their executor. Once the grantor is passed, everyone may now have their own interpretation of what the deceased intended. That can be a problem.

Who does the executor serve?

What is the purpose of your money? 

Money is so weird. No wait, money is not weird. We’re weird with money.

We amass it either by working for it, receiving it as a gift, inhertaince, trust, lottery or cashing out of invesmtnent or real estate or business positions. And yet, no matter the source of the money we amass, few of us think about the purpose of our money.

What do we want it to provide for us? Sure, we can talk about the basics: shelter, food, but beyond that it can quickly get murky. So, how much for travel? How much for subscriptions? How much for lifestyle needs? And you said food was easy, well it’s not when one person wants to eat out a lot more than the other.

Consider the purpose of your money to reduce the chance of asking this question later: What happened to my money?

May 2024 Guide You by Great Wisdom

As we cross the bridge, turn to 2023 and bid it adieu, holding memories that enrich us and that inform us to live with more clarity,

As we look forward to 2024 with hope, patience, strength, and determination

May your heart and head hold and guide you with Great Wisdom for the year ahead. 

When It’s About Family Harmony, Which Way Do You Choose

How can you measure a family’s ability to stay connected for generations?  The simple answer is: by cohesion.  Okay, end of blog, right?  No, because we are going to look at the elements of cohesion.

Cohesion is defined as the ability to stick together.  Its origin is from Latin meaning to stick or cling to. With the right elements, cohesion can provide the glue that connects families for hundred of years. Families like Rockefeller, Blake, Rothschild, and Mogi are using elements of cohesion to keep their families united when the natural tendency for a family is to break apart or fade into irrelevance within two or three generations. 

Elements that form cohesion include:

  • A shared value system
  • A shared purpose
  • Understood standards
  • A structure of governance

When shared values are codified, people feel that they have a rallying point. 

When a family’s purpose is codified, people feel like are moving towards the same objective

When standards accompanied with governance are honored, the rules of play are known, members know what is expected of them. All these must rest on a foundation of empathy, understanding, inclusivity, and fairness. These take intentionality to nurture and develop.

Contrast this with wills that are disseminated and sometimes read, trusts that are administered often by outside parties who do not know the culture or dynamics of the family and can fray fragile relationships and destroy the family core. Which way do you choose?  It will matter to family harmony.