The Power of our Values is Distinct

When living a life full of activities, projects, deadlines and other calendar driven things, where can you turn when you ask: “How do I add more meaning to my life?” What can you do when you want to explore the inner meaning, maybe not with as much passion as what is already consuming your life, but at least with some inquiry? Is there something more to life worth pursuing? I think so.

I still remember, when, years ago, a marketing consultant for my business, asked me, in my first assignment, to identify my values. At first, I was puzzled by this request as I was ready for the big idea to implement. But she was right when she said” To build the business, we must begin with you knowing your values, the foundation of who you are and what drives or motivates you.”  I nodded with skepticism as I had no idea of the benefit to looking at my values. She gave me a list of values and told me to identify my top 3 “Oh, that should be easy “I thought, as I looked at the words. But then, as I looked through the list, I found that most of them were significant. How would I choose just three? I did not know my top values.  I do now and for the last 20+ years, every year, I refer to them constantly in both my personal and professional lives. But why?

From that exercise years ago, I learned that values are our guiding principles. They tell us why we are motivated to take certain actions, why we decide to say yes to one thing of seeming import, and say no, to yet another. Our guiding values lead us.  As they lead us, and as we let them guide us, they help us to simplify our lives and pursue that which matters, with passion, purpose and success.

The power in our values is distinct. Think about a person who has had a powerful and positive impact to you, in your life. What is important about them to you? It’s likely a value will come up that is very important to you, one you still key to you today.

Our values act like an inner compass. We decide whether to listen and follow them or not. When we do, we feel more centered; when we don’t, we tend to feel more confused or rudderless.

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Have you been Mansplained? Been What?!

I was recently involved in a robust online conversation on mansplaining. As soon as the topic was raised, opinions started flying in, ranging from irritated frustration at the experience to recharacterizing mansplaining as verbal kidnapping. I would have remained a spectator to the group conversation until verbal kidnapping was presented as a description to mansplainng. That was my moment of: “Wait a second, that seems a little much.”

Mansplain is defined in the online Merriam-Webster dictionary as: to explain something to a woman in a condescending way that assumes she has no knowledge about the topic.

As I have experienced mansplaining, I thought I would bring it up here to gain perspective and understanding. Here, in part, is what I shared with the online conversation.

“I am adding to this robust dialogue as I cannot reconcile the phrase ‘verbal kidnapping.’ (with mansplaining). Kidnapping means: take by force. This is different than taken by surprise or be overwhelmed or belittle or even attempted to connect with.

Having come up in male dominated industries, financial, jazz guitar, and entrepreneurial success, I have experienced it many times, sometimes overt and sometimes covert. For quite some time, I took it personally, like they were exhibiting behaviors because I deserved it/asked for it/put out the vibe/looked like I wanted it/was a target for their unloading. Eventually that turned to understanding that it was not about me, they did not even know me but they needed to wield their power/show me who’s got the upper hand/offer friendly unsolicited advice/want to show off/join the conversation/demonstrate how intelligent they were/demonstrate how keenly aware or observant they were being/ and more.

Initially, I either stood stunned or snorted out a weak comment only to fine I was fueling the fire, the fire of false objectives and false perceptions by the mansplainer. I then shifted to inquiry in my attempt to gain understanding as to their intention with being so directive with me.

So, how do I deal with it today? IT DEPENDS. It depends on the situation, my perception of their intent, that which I want to protect within myself, the point I want to make….

For one person I might cut them short  to end a ‘correction’ or added ‘expertise’ they want to interject.

For another person, I might let them go on until I see an opening and then end the conversation in full awareness that their behavioral habit will continue with someone else. I choose not to take the time to get into the fray.

For yet another person, I may ask them their intent on sharing with me as I want them to be clear as to whether they perceive me as unprofessional/unqualified/not at their level or perplexed at my keen insight which might contrast with my small stature.  😊 These may all come into play.  I can then respond more appropriately with more clarity

I no longer initially judge mansplainers to be foe. And it’s not just mansplainers, there are womynsplainers. The wolf wears either gender sheep’s clothing to get in to the stall!

Tell me your thoughts? Have you been mansplained? How do you deal with it in a way that preserves the essence of who you are, your values?

The Family Story is Powerful to Children

Several years ago, Emory University commissioned a study. The study was hosted by two prominent Emory psychologists, Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke, and a former graduate student, Jennifer Bohanek. They wanted to understand the impact of family stories to a family’s dynamics with their adolescent members.

“Family stories” the researchers wrote, “…help children understand who they are in the world.” These unique and important stories help children understand who they are and where they come from, in a different way, but akin to the DNA tests available for us to take today. Neither of these will tell us who we are going to become, but they do shed light into that which brought us here.

The power of the important story is its experiential transmission of connectivity. Before this study, researchers had an inkling that family stories contributed to a child’s well-being and identity but had not measured their ideas. Now there was evidence. The study found that the teenagers in the study expressed “…higher levels of emotional well-being, and also higher levels of identity achievement, even when controlling for general level of family functioning.” Wow!

Although this is the first study of its kind to use a Do You Know Scale of measurement, it certainly is, for some, an eye opener, while for others, confirmation, on the power of important family stories.

What is your family’s story; not the where when or how, but the story of who and the why of the family? Your family story is a thread, a  link to identity and connection. Tell it to your family.

Take Action to Avoid the #1 Regret People Have

Recently, I read an article about regret. Of course, it included the biggest regret people have, which I will disclose a little later. But first, what, exactly, is regret?

According to the Miriam Webster Dictionary, the definition of the noun regret is: “1-sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair and 2-an expression of distressing emotion (such as sorrow).” I find those to be interesting definitions and I feel I need to add one more which is remorse or shame  not following up or completing that which I had the power to complete or repair but lacked the motivation, strength, or courage to affect. Let’s look at the etymology of “regret” to discover more about its meaning. Regret appears in old Norse as grata, meaning to weep, or groan, in the Proto-Germanic as gretan, meaning weep and in the French as regreter meaning “ pain or distress in the mind at something done or left undone.” These give me a clearer framework to work with when I hear the word regret.

In the article I was reading about regret, authored by Diana Bruk and published online by MSN, six studies were conducted with hundreds of participants. Each participant was asked what they regretted most in life. While people tended to regret their actions (current behaviors or activities) more in the short term, their inactions (things they did not do or behaviors they did not model) were regretted more in the long term.  We tend to put off, in the short term, actions, which in the long term, we regret having neglected. But all this was merely a backdrop to what people regret most.

The number one regret people have, according to these six studies is: not fulfilling their ideal self. WOW!!!!

You can avoid this regret. By knowing your values, your mission, setting your goals, both long and short term, then having a method of achieving your goals while expressing your mission and values, you will sidestep this huge regret.

And a shout out to those of you who have taken up the Life Focus System, you model the axiom of living your ideal self. You have constructed ways to return to the path, when you stray from it. You live a life of focused purpose. You reap its benefits, both short and long term.

No, Wait, Don’t Quit, You’ve Just Started

I recently read an article where the University of Scranton revealed the sobering news we really didn’t want to hear.

Many people, about 40% of American adults, make resolutions at the beginning of the year. They make them for all kinds of commitments, but the top ones, according to IQuanti and compiled from Google search data, involve getting healthy with weight loss and exercise programs, getting organized, and living life to the fullest.

Lofty objectives are set, to find that, by mid-February, people have parted company with 80% of their  resolutions, according to U. S. News. Apparently, January 12, is the most common day for resolutions to begin to waiver.

Overtime, according to the University of Scranton study, only eight percent of those who make New Year resolutions, fulfill them in a timely manner. Wow, what is going on?!

Perhaps it’s not in the making of the resolutions but in the motivation, payoff and real commitment to these resolutions.

With resolutions you have made, how specific were they? The more specific they are, the easier they are to stick to. Then building action steps to hold yourself accountable to are your best tools. But only make one action item at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself with “THE List” of action steps. Instead create the first step with a timeline, do it, report back, and add the next step. Your action steps will get you to your goal over time.

How is your commitment to your resolutions? Don’t quit yet, you’ve just started!

A Look Back and a Peek Forward

As 2018 closes its remaining open doors , I reflect back on those who have made my year the satisfying one it has been. I appreciate your journey to elevating that which matters and to strengthening the world of legacy, life and money matters.

 

Thank you for your support of the work Focus and Sustain promotes.

Thank you for your commitment to significance and purpose.

Thank you for sharing your stories of success and the weighty challenges you faced and dealt with.

 You have given me great insight with the conversations we have had.

 

You have given me an opportunity to think more clearly with the questions you have asked and the stories you have shared of your own journey on creating, building and sustaining  strong legacy families, lives with purpose, and powerful money behaviors.

 

You have been an essential ingredient to making the circle of Strength and Significance mightier than it was when this year began.

 

As I peek into the year ahead,

 

I wish you a Meaningfully Focused 2019

You Need the Right Focus to Live a Life that Matters

As you may know, the concept of purpose and its practice is key to happiness. Purpose is difficult for many people to grasp because we are encouraged to be constantly on the go, and to fit in, neither of which speak to purpose. It is easy to wander through life and look back at an advanced age and wonder: “What happened? Why am I unsatisfied? What was my purpose?”

What is purpose? The Etymology Dictionary says that “purpose” stems from the 14th century Anglo-French purposer, meaning “to design.” However, purpose did not just appear then, it had already played an essential role in Asia, the Middle East and civilizations going back millenniums. Purpose is a cornerstone to living a life that matters.

Author and co-founding partner of the Australian company, Sonder, Jonathan Hopkins, wrote in a blog wrote: “Successful organizations (like Nike, IKEA, Ben & Jerrys, Lorna Jane, Apple) all have an idealistic purpose which is followed, worshipped and preached by its employees and customers alike. Without a powerful purpose, leaders will struggle to motivate their employees and customers will struggle to find a reason to connect with the organization.”

What is your purpose and how are you expressing that in your community?

A Profound Quote from 1688 to Mull Over

Back in the day, this day being 1688, the poet, philosopher, and author, Jose DeLa Vega, wrote a book called Confusion de Confusiones: Portions Descriptive of the Amsterdam Stock Exchange. It is considered a masterpiece and the oldest book written about the stock exchange, then, the “leading center of the world.” The book is rare with only a half-dozen copies known to be still in existence.

Confusion de Confusiones is centered around the following characters: the philosopher, the merchant, and the shareholder as they bring their questions and share their knowledge, and perspective of the market. There is a passage early in the book which I want to bring to your attention: “Truth is not hurt by being hidden. It is hurt by being altered. “…Truth is not violated by those who hide it, but by those who alter it…” This resonates strongly with me as I try to decipher what is fact, as I try to understand various views and perspectives of the same experienced or witnessed event, as I try to separate what is real from what is illusory.

In the spirit of honoring your journey into meaning and significance, relevance and understanding, I give you DeLa Vega’s words to mull overs as you build your life of significance, searching for that which resonates true for you.

What This Mom Said When Asked Where Squirtle Was

Recently, I went out to a local park which housed a lake, that serves a spot  to heron, beavers, ducks, birds, and turtles. While I was there, the turtle count was 49 on just one log, nestled in the reeds. As I was looking at the turtles from my viewpoint on an extended pier, I head a child ask their parent: “Where is the Squirtle?”

I had to listen to Mom’s response. Her child was sincere in the question and worried that the Squirtle might not at the lake.

There was a slight hesitation as Mom carefully considered her response. She finally replied: “Here, Squirtles are found in their separate characters. Over there is the turtle. See its hard shell. Let’s watch what it does and consider why it does why it does, before we look for the Squirrel, the other part of the Squirtle.”

The child accepted the response and the challenge imbedded in it. Instead of joining the others who knew what was occurring on their phone and tablet screens as they crept through the park, this child began exploring and interacting with the world around her.

It was an incredible contrast in style.

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Wisdom from the Ages Can Be Accessed from this One Tip

I recently read a recommended book. The author, Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) wrote an autobiography, which was published posthumously in 1868. I would like to share a point that resonates with me and is as relevant today as it was for him, two hundred plus years ago.

To give you a little background, Franklin believed strongly in the attributes virtues had He went so far as to define the thirteen core virtues which were cornerstones to his life.  He defined what each meant to him, and this is insightful,  because he understood that each person defined virtues, individually. His definition was not necessarily theirs and vice versa.

Rather than focus on all thirteen virtues, he isolated one at a time. He started with temperance which he described as: “eat not to dullness, drink not to elevation” and focused on it for a week. He then moved on to the next, which for him, was silence, defined for him as: “speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation”, the next week he focused on order “let all things have their places; resolution “resolve to perform what you ought, perform without fail what you resolve” and so on.

As he focused on only one virtue per week, he could gain greater understanding of it for himself and its valuable application in his life. As the years went by he became dedicated and pronounced with his virtues, refining them in his daily life.   This contributed to the respect he garnished. He took the time to live from his “virtues”, intimately.

Each day he would begin by asking himself: “What good shall I do this day.” In the evening, he would reflect on his morning question by asking: “What good have I done to-day?” using one of the thirteen virtues he was focusing on.

Now, that is Wisdom from the ages.