No, Wait, Don’t Quit, You’ve Just Started

I recently read an article where the University of Scranton revealed the sobering news we really didn’t want to hear.

Many people, about 40% of American adults, make resolutions at the beginning of the year. They make them for all kinds of commitments, but the top ones, according to IQuanti and compiled from Google search data, involve getting healthy with weight loss and exercise programs, getting organized, and living life to the fullest.

Lofty objectives are set, to find that, by mid-February, people have parted company with 80% of their  resolutions, according to U. S. News. Apparently, January 12, is the most common day for resolutions to begin to waiver.

Overtime, according to the University of Scranton study, only eight percent of those who make New Year resolutions, fulfill them in a timely manner. Wow, what is going on?!

Perhaps it’s not in the making of the resolutions but in the motivation, payoff and real commitment to these resolutions.

With resolutions you have made, how specific were they? The more specific they are, the easier they are to stick to. Then building action steps to hold yourself accountable to are your best tools. But only make one action item at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself with “THE List” of action steps. Instead create the first step with a timeline, do it, report back, and add the next step. Your action steps will get you to your goal over time.

How is your commitment to your resolutions? Don’t quit yet, you’ve just started!

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A Look Back and a Peek Forward

As 2018 closes its remaining open doors , I reflect back on those who have made my year the satisfying one it has been. I appreciate your journey to elevating that which matters and to strengthening the world of legacy, life and money matters.

 

Thank you for your support of the work Focus and Sustain promotes.

Thank you for your commitment to significance and purpose.

Thank you for sharing your stories of success and the weighty challenges you faced and dealt with.

 You have given me great insight with the conversations we have had.

 

You have given me an opportunity to think more clearly with the questions you have asked and the stories you have shared of your own journey on creating, building and sustaining  strong legacy families, lives with purpose, and powerful money behaviors.

 

You have been an essential ingredient to making the circle of Strength and Significance mightier than it was when this year began.

 

As I peek into the year ahead,

 

I wish you a Meaningfully Focused 2019

A Profound Quote from 1688 to Mull Over

Back in the day, this day being 1688, the poet, philosopher, and author, Jose DeLa Vega, wrote a book called Confusion de Confusiones: Portions Descriptive of the Amsterdam Stock Exchange. It is considered a masterpiece and the oldest book written about the stock exchange, then, the “leading center of the world.” The book is rare with only a half-dozen copies known to be still in existence.

Confusion de Confusiones is centered around the following characters: the philosopher, the merchant, and the shareholder as they bring their questions and share their knowledge, and perspective of the market. There is a passage early in the book which I want to bring to your attention: “Truth is not hurt by being hidden. It is hurt by being altered. “…Truth is not violated by those who hide it, but by those who alter it…” This resonates strongly with me as I try to decipher what is fact, as I try to understand various views and perspectives of the same experienced or witnessed event, as I try to separate what is real from what is illusory.

In the spirit of honoring your journey into meaning and significance, relevance and understanding, I give you DeLa Vega’s words to mull overs as you build your life of significance, searching for that which resonates true for you.

Listen for It, Listen to It, It’s There to Help

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have witnessed your own behaviors in action?

Here is an example: You are in your car, driving down the highway, it’s twilight, with the sun just about out of sight. But it’s not quite night. Others in their cars, like you, are heading home, perhaps distracted, already thinking about dinner, to dos, tv shows, and home conversations.

You turn your signal in to indicate your intention to move from the left the middle lane. You look to see if anyone from the far-right lane is indicating they are going to turn to the middle lane. All clear.

Then that voice, one you have heard inside your head before, reaches out and tells you not to go into the middle lane, that far-right lane car is going to move into the middle lane.  You stay where you are and sure enough, THAT car moves into the middle lane about which you had signaled your intention. And they moved over without any signal, nothing. But you knew. Good thing you listened to THAT voice. It may have saved you a trip to the hospital.

How do you recognize THAT voice? It’s a protective, sagacious, and valuable voice. Researchers at the University of Toronto, Scarborough, conducted a study where participants repeated a word over and over as they performed a test: push the button when a certain symbol flashes on the screen. As this symbol flashed on the screen frequently, it could set off and did set off impulsive responses. The researchers found that when participants could not listen to their own inner “talk”, they were more likely to act more impulsively.  The researchers said this about the study: “Without being able to verbalize messages to themselves, they were not able to exercise the same amount of self-control as when they could themselves through the process.”

Listen for it, listen to it…your inner voice. It’s there to help.

Finding My Way Back to My Core… I’m Ready

There are unexpected and unwelcomed times when I find that I am “off.” What do I mean by “being off?” It is those times that I feel off balanced, feel like I am reactionary rather than thoughtful and somehow, for some unexplained (to me) reason, cannot get back to my center, my core. I find myself mucking around in emotional states and unable to get out of them.

I try to trick myself by putting myself into another emotional state but that doesn’t bring me back to my center. It merely creates more gunk. It is so weird. Eventually, I remember what I must do. I have to say, when I first discovered this, twenty plus years ago, I was stunned by its power. I return to what is at the center of my being, my values.

Values represent the core of who we are. They represent our essence and when we lose sight of, forget or deny our core, we lose our focus. When we are adrift from our center, we take on different characteristics and find ourselves in the world of emotions with their endless judgments, pushes and pulls a circus-like universe of joy, disappointment, criticism, comparison, etc. None of it forwards the core of who we are.

I have been swimming in my emotions for the past few weeks, and only now, by writing this, am I realizing that I have abandoned the guidance my values provide and the compass they are in my life. Okay, I am ready, wisdom, go ahead, rule!

Share with me how your values lead you in your life, how you recognize when you have deviated from them, and how returning to them brings you back to the center of who you are.

Connect with Loved Ones over the Holidays by Trying This

It’s time for the family gatherings again. You know the ones I am referring to: where people cluster in their usual groups, talking about the weather, travel hiccups, politics; where people cluster around the food taking bites in short and informational filled conversations; where someone introduces a topic they know will fuel the flames of emotional reaction. Yes…those dynamics.

 

This year you can come to a family celebration prepared to add a dollop of meaningful connection. Bring a series of questions with which you can connect more personally with those you engage in conversation.

 

Start by asking someone to share something significant that has positively impacted them this year. Listen as they share that event or experience with you. Then follow up by asking them either: how this significant impact they experienced benefited them or ask them how this significant impact made them feel.  And again, just listen. When you do, you will find that they will share with you a value of theirs that is important to the core of who they are. This will connect you to them in a very personal way that small talk cannot.

 

I find that asking questions like these, at the end of the year, to be a wonderful icebreaker and connector with friends and family.

 

Let me know how the outcome of having this conversation at your family gathering. I would love to hear your comments.

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As They Removed Their Masks, This Choir Left Us in Tears

I recently returned from the GALA Choruses’ tenth quadrennial music festival held in Denver. With over 130 choruses and 6,500 singers from all across the U.S. and overseas, men and women commanded the various stages at the Denver Performance Art Center, the Convention Center and other downtown locations, with amazing shows.

One chorus, The Beijing Queer Choir made its debut at this festival. For this courageous and ground breaking group, joining a welcoming and supportive family of singers was very important. You see, in China, their lives as gay and lesbian people has to remain in the shadows. Family ostracization, lack of community support, and pressure from the government to marry and have children keep their identities concealed when they are performing on stage.

The members did not want to obtain individual visas for fear that “coming out” would led to harassment and imprisonment.  Although being gay is legal, it is not tolerated. Finally, three weeks before the festival in Denver began, the group was given permission to leave China and travel on a group visa, keeping their individual information protected.

Once visas were secured, plane tickets had to be purchased. As you can imagine, the cost of airline tickets this close to departure, was very high. After many conversations with various airlines, and ten days before the start of the festival, tickets were secured.

When performing in China, this eight-year-old choir performs with masks on so they cannot be individually identified. When they stepped on the Denver stage each had a mask on to cover their faces to keep their identities secret while they performed. As the interpreter talked about the great welcome and support they were experiencing in Denver, the singers, one by one, removed their masks. It was a powerful moment for the audience to watch these performers one after another, remove their masks, and reveal, for an audience, their faces, for the first time. And one singer kept their mask on to highlight the fear of retribution gay and lesbian people in Beijing have in “coming out.”

As you can imagine, the audience erupted in howling applause, tears and standing ovation for this chorus armed with courage, purpose, tenacity and commitment.

It was powerful to witness and experience the Beijing Queer Choir as they made their debut in Denver, unmasked.

Leave me a comment on how you have used courage and strength to identify and become who you are.

The Woman I Know Offers a Powerful Lesson for Us All

Bridging the gap between silence and connection can be a difficult bridge to cross. Let me explain.

A woman I know was in a terrible accident. As she was crossing the street, near her home, she was hit by a drunk driver. While the driver reversed her car in reactive panic, the woman I know was dragged further under one of the wheels.  The drunk driver instead of stopping was able to free herself from the struck pedestrian, and sped away. The woman I know woke up several hours later in the hospital, lucky to be alive. It has been four months of excruciating rehab, seven surgeries, with five more scheduled in the next year.

 

The woman I know coaches several competitive sports teams. There are a few important meets coming up which she will unlikely be able to attend as she has two more surgeries scheduled right before the meets. Her teams know of the accident and her rehab but do not know the real extent of her injuries, that they will, in all likelihood, prevent her from being part of their success at these pre-Olympic meets. The teams do not yet know that this woman, who has been their champion, their leader, and their light will be unable to join them. She does not know how to tell them and so she has avoided the subject all together. The woman I know does not know how to tell the teams and the meet’s organizers of the devastating state of her injuries and recuperation.

 

The woman I know, who has always been able to perform, always been the one others can count on, now needs to count on the understanding and love of others. She does not know how to bridge the gap from profound disappointment and not being able to be there for her teams and her desire to be there for them.

 

She is facing the consequences that silence will bring. She knows her teams will need her with them soon. She is still trying to control a situation that has changed control by the act of a drunk driver on a pedestrian who was crossing her neighborhood street.

 

The woman I know is at a crossroad which, if she does not manage, will find herself in a position of defending her silence. And you know her teams are already asking questions. They have to be as they get closer to critical pre-Olympic trial meets and find it odd that she is not giving them a return date. I have a conversation scheduled with her in a few days to help her to that conversation with her teams.

 

Are there gaps of silence you must construct a bridge to take you to the other side, the side of connection and best action? What are you doing to construct your bridge or is it too hard?

 

Leave me a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Can You See It? The Family Mountain Moved

In your own family, it can be hard to be seen differently by your adult siblings than how they viewed you when you were young.

Sometimes, adding a new dimension to that view, is tantamount to moving a mountain. Because of this, it took a l-o-n-g time for me to create bridges of communication between remaining members of my family. But it was important for me to do so. Because of the work I do with individuals and families, guiding them to stay connected for generations, I wanted to bring the same tools to my own family.

We are very competitive, very stoic, very aloof, and somewhat questioning of each other’s motives. This makes for a very challenging environment to talking about family purpose, connection and legacy. The family is able to dismiss the subject in a short dismissive conversation, one that goes like this: “We don’t need to do that. We’re fine. Others can do that if they want. We know what we stand for and if one of us doesn’t, they’ll figure it out.”

I knew my family would be one of the toughest families to bring together for anything other than the customary family events but after a conscientious many year building of trust, safety and deeper connection, the remaining 3 branches to the trunk are beginning to communicate with each other. Wow, what an experience this is. From not being able to recognize a sibling in a lineup of three, to communicating by letter, phone, and social media, is a tremendous change. From not acknowledging each other to asking about each other’s well-being is a huge breakthrough. From not being in the same room together for years to hosting an easy pre dinner social, the family is beginning to talk. And now, we may even have a gathering to put the family story together for future generations.

The mountain is moving…at least in our family. It was worth the focused attention to bringing the family back together.

Is your family preserving or resurrecting its connection? Leave a comment on what’s going on in your family.

Thank You for Being Part of My Fulfilling Year

Reflecting

 

Thank you for who you are to me—people of grace and profound commitment to bringing a richer weave to the fabric of life-your own and the world around you.

 

When I reflect on you,

You who have deliberately chosen to direct your lives

Purposefully and with great meaning

I see shimmering stars lighting my path

I see the beauty of persistence and determination in you.

 

As I think of you

I feel the essence of the freedom you feel

When enduring strength and power replace your initial fears and doubt.

I am touched by your commitment to being your best

With your Legacy, your Life and your Money

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

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